Thursday, May 17, 2007

Games That Make You Go FUCK! Part 1: "An Assemblage of Asinine"

Welcome back anyone's reading this.

Alright so I'm going to "start a new series" or if I were doing the whole Pod Cast thing (see the post about "To Cast or Not To Cast" for details) this would be a new segment...I come up with stupid, inane shit all the time and if you read my blog the you are the one who has to deal with it, not me. I suppose I could leave these strange mind numbing pieces of cranial methane alone and hide them away so no one would ever be harmed by them. No, instead I'm just going to purge myself of this need to write for my own masochistic reasons and leave my spewings here on this page for you to gobble up. Yum yum.

Still with me? heheheh

Games That Make You Go FUCK! Will be a series that I write up whenever I damn well feel like it. The goal will be to pick a subject matter and then lump a bunch of games into that little box as I damn well feel like it. Today's writing is "An Assemblage of Asinine" where I pick out some "games", and that's a term I'll use very loosely, that someone out there should be incarcerated to creating, someone else should be flogged for producing, someone else should be emasculated publicly by having their balls painted yellow dipped in honey and dangled over an ant hill for having decided to carry this product. In other words atrocities of the gaming world, laid out right here for you to see and read about...because I damn well feel like doing it.

(A note before continuing...Games That Make You Go FUCK! will not always be negative as I don't see fucking as negative. In fact mostly I see fucking as very positive and future editions of this series will showcase games where you use FUCK! as a method of praise for the games in that group.)

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Games That Make You Go FUCK! Part 1: "An Assemblage of Asinine" is brought to you by:

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Corx is our first piece of shit on the chopping block. The concept here is...get pick up two corx (which is a cool spelling of the word Corks) and drop them. How they land is how you score. Ewwwwwww if they both land on one end you get big points. Hey now that's fun. Then your opponent does the same. Next it's your turn, pick those Corx back up and do it again. WOW! This rocks! Yeah well no it's really a bullshit method of trying to peddle off some useless piece of crap to kids. Hell the website for this product has even started up their own "lingo" for the game in an attempt to make it seem like it's got it's own cool subculture. So they thought they could play on the kiddies sense or need to belong...problem is there's no other kiddies out there that are in this new clique to belong with. What crap.

OK so next up is Monday Night Football Interactive TV Card Game. Well with that many words in the title it, you know it's got to be a fun game right? Alright so here's the gist. Tune in to the Monday Night Football game....there's the first problem with this game! It makes you watch football. Now, deal out a hand of cards. Plays and things appear on them. When that play happens play your card for points. So yeah what you got here is a game that gives you no control over whether you win or lose. Just play friggin' cards from you hand when/if you can then add up points when you are done. Hmmmmmmm Ok. I think you can figure out how absolutely ridiculous this is all by yourself and I'm not going to say anything further. Moving right along. . .

So next up is Fishing for Terrorists. Not as many words in the title of this game as we had in the Monday Night Football Interactive TV Card Game but then again there's not as many mechanics either. While Monday Night Football Interactive TV Card Game was a terrible game given it's mechanics Fishing for Terrorists is equally as bad with less. Playing on a poignant time frame this game was released in hopes of selling a few units based on the humorous theme. Still you can't get past the fact that you are playing WAR! That's right "good" ole war that you can just as easily play with any one of the 3 decks of cards you can get for $1.00 at the cheap ass store instead you can now shell out $20 for and give it a go with "humorous" artwork.

So if you are here reading my blog chances are you are a "hardcore" gamer. You aren't the type who gets juiced up thinking about playing a rip roaring game of Monopoly. Sure someone reading this may have accidentally stumbled onto my blog and like a train wreck can't seem to pull their vision from the atrocity of it but for the most part if I have readers they are going to be gamers. As such this "game" titled simply LCR probably defies all logic to you as it does to me. Pick up the dice throw them and get rid of your chips as per what the dice tell you to do with them. OK. Now pass the dice and let someone else do the same. When the dice come back to you repeat. huh? Alright well I don't even know how to rip this game a new one it's so completely ridiculous. So I'm going to move on. Still you hear time and time again what a good seller this is for the game stores. WOW Way to go whoever...rake in the cash of the gullible idiots out there who insist on throwing it at you.

My last little entry here is a hodgepodge if you will. First off is going to be all the licensed rethemes of "classic" board games. Not every movie out there needs it's own version of; Monopoly, Clue, Risk, Stratego and Life. The only one that seemed to make any sense to me at all was the Scooby Doo Clue...they were after all detectives. I did actually see Monsters, Inc., Life in Monstropolis game in action. Because it was a Disney movie it was retooled as well as rethemed and you don't have babies anymore...guess that's too close to having sex and can't let the kiddies know about that now can we?

CCG's and TCG's. Whatever you want to call them. Like above every theme that can be imagined is conceived into printed form for this medium of money sucking filth. Did you know there was an American Idol CCG? How about a Tomb Raider CCG? WHY!?!?!? They all tend to suck. Throw in my utter stomach turning disdain for any "collectible" game and you have a category here that I despise wholly. This is the utter putrid, vile butt droppings of the gaming world.

Alright well it's obvious that there could be more things in this list. I'm done here for today but I hope, like me you were able to look at the games and think to yourself "Fuck that's bad" and if so I further hope that it rekindled a new level of love for your current game collection. You may not have the biggest or best collection out there but be proud of what you have and be proud that these are not part of it.


Jay Adan said...

Although LCR seems to make little sense my own experience is that the combination of alcohol and substituting the chips for actual money makes the game much more fun. So says the many, many women that purchase this game in my store. (MANY!)

THoiA said...

Yeah I'll not argue the ability of this game to sell units. Then again how many monopoly units get sold? Just cause the game sells doesn't mean it's a good game or should even be left in existence. As for your other comment....women in a gaming store. They are there cause their significant others drug them there...or is that "drugged them there?"

Jay Adan said...


Would you believe that there's another game called CORX that's made right here in the USofA?

THoiA said...

Huh another game with the incredibly clever title of CORX. Wonder why the designer chose such a clever game title? Could be because they use CORKS in the game but that doesn't sound edgy enough or maybe isn't marketable enough. OK SO weak game name aside might be a fun little abstract game.